Is "this" Dating, or are we Just Getting to Know each other Better?
"Would like a glass of Bordeaux or Cabernet Sauvignon?” “No, I’ll just have some red wine.” “Would you prefer fish or fowl?” “I’ll take something with chicken in it.” “How about we sit on the sofa with some popcorn and watch a movie?” “Perfect.”
When you’re 60 years and older, sometimes even with the best intentions of making someone happy, we unnecessarily complicate things. It’s challenging at this point in life to alter relationship behaviors. Not that they are bad behaviors, far from it. It’s more patterned behavior. For example, as older men we still rush to the door to open it a woman, and we will hold a door to allow a woman in first and very often every woman that follows. Like an unofficial doorman. Don’t blame us, because it’s patterned behavior that is the culprit. It’s very difficult to dismantle 40 years of chivalry. An even greater challenge; as a man sixty years or older is, determining what is the difference between getting to know someone better, and dating. As men we have, more often than not, blurred the differences between the two. Dating seems to signify exclusivity, while getting to know someone better suggests a casual acknowledgement. Like working towards something that has yet to be defined. We kind of go about each in the same manor, with the exception, openly admitting to what “this” is. Here is when patterned behavior reveals itself and without any real acknowledgement, we often find ourselves going about “this” like we always have; creating similar results. Most, notably, as men, we either spend excessive money, or worse, we waste significant time being involved in "this". The latter, sadly, at this stage of our lives, is not long in supply nor can it be returned. You would think that women, sixty years and older, would be to the contrary of "this". Let's have an open discussion about Dating.
Women 60 years and older, as opposed to men the same age, are now besieged by a significantly higher number of nearly ritualistic and fixed behaviors as well as a limbic system that is being hormonally challenged daily. The environment, and a fixed societal culture, are too no less of a handicap in the pursuit of a partner. As a mature woman, what you couldn’t or shouldn’t do, or were strongly discouraged or influenced to believe was wrong, still holds a precedent. Even after 40 plus years later? The examples of “The Bad Girls” still have a psychological permanence. How can that be after this much time has passed? Three lifetimes later, relationships and how you go about them are still in a rigid and fixed position. Is this Dating? Or is this Getting to Know You Better? I think it's safe not to call "this" dating as there is no clear exclusivity, and why would there be? For the record, I am not suggesting that men or women should throw caution to the wind. No. But can sexagenarians have relationships that are largely considered boyfriend and girlfriend? Possibly, if "this" is strictly platonic? What do you call someone or "this" at 60 years old? My boyfriend, my girlfriend? I guess, maybe? But why, when there is no longer any need for us to define our relationships to anyone. Especially ourselves. It’s my determination to provide the evidence and the existential belief that “60 is The New 40” even as it relates to relationships.
If we have evolved, it simply can’t be in limited arenas. Growth comes with, or it should come with confidence. A confidence that you have in yourself, irrespective of outside eyes or agitators. When we determine, regardless of the peering eyes or raised eyebrows, that we want to be accompanied by someone that doesn't, shall we say look like us, substantiates definitively that we are “The New Millennials”. Because we don't answer to anyone. We have have been multitasking for the past 30 years, juggling school lunches, work, dinner, and managing a home. In ernst a relationship(s) should be like pressing the Easy Button.
Why have they become so complicated? Making the decision to be cautious, especially when you meet someone new, is easy to agree with. Terms such as “ghosting” and “catfish” have become synonymous with fraud. Internet dating is so different, and no less safe than using your credit card to buy something from a sketchy website. But life has always been, buyers beware and I, we, you have made it through the past 60 years. Clearly, we have learned some valuable lessons about people and situations. Consider if you walked on a subway platform in the 70’s or 80’s in NYC, or you rode the N-22 from Hillside Ave to Westbury on a Friday after a long day at work. I am guessing that you probably, like me, have seen it all and as a woman, under those conditions, you probably have been approached by all manner of homo sapiens... Regardless of the city you lived in, when you commuted to work, 99% of the time you were able to deflect, and redirect the attentions of even the most spirited of conversationalist. Why shouldn’t the same hold true now, the rules haven’t changed, the game hasn’t changed, and you have gotten smarter. Yes? If that statement is true then why are relationships, mature ones, so challenging to initiate and to maintain? "It's, Not About Sex."
It began a long time ago with “The Good Girls” vs. “The Bad Girls”. Good girls followed the rules. They mind behaviors that were frowned upon and viewed as unbecoming of a lady. They listened to their family, especially their mothers. They respected the voice of their fathers. They were good if not great students. They were active in philanthropic activities. They were viewed by the outside community as “such a good girl”. They dressed appropriately, shorts at the right height and sweaters over blouses. They had a guy friend, and he was generally good if not great at everything. They never went much further that holding hands and deep eyed stares, and a kiss here and there. The had good posture, a great smile, and friends who would sleep over. They smiled a lot. It was always sunny. Then there’s The Bad Girls. You know who we're talking about! The bad girls hung with the wrong crowd. They walked a certain way that often garnered much attention. They dressed, risqué. They were at events, but not to view the event. They hung out at the coolest places. They had tons of friends, and associates. They were very popular with the boys. They got rides home, but they didn’t always go straight home. They danced to music anywhere. They listened, but not to whom they should have listened to. They marched to the beat of their own drum. People whispered about them, behind their backs. They wore make-up that to accentuate the positives. Oh, and they could fight. If this sounds like “Grease” it’s unintentional, this is more a matter of perception. We have all been conditioned to think and believe what is good and what is not good in a relationship, or the pursuit of one. This judgement of us starts early, and it is unfairly weighted on women. They, the emissaries of who decide, because of superficial judgements determine who will be successful and who will not be successful. These sets of values that, for them and a society at whole, clearly define the differences between the two. Walk this way, not acceptable. Talk this way, not acceptable. Behave this way, not acceptable. These rules of conduct have not dissipated even in adulthood. Unfortunately, relationships don’t follow any set rules and it’s impossible to determine how someone you just met is going to answer a particular question, or how they may laugh at things that are not funny. To you?
What is wrong with a being a “Bad Girl”, and at this point in life who cares? When and at what age are you going to free yourself from the shackles of a moral turpitude not designed for independent thinking Women? Is Internet Dating the answer? No. Not in my opinion. To me, Internet Dating is obnoxious. You could do about the same, if not better, by placing your face and bio on a box of Cracker Jacks, “candy coated peanuts and a prize”. What has changed? A girl in her teens when she was in high school was unfairly measured against her peers. Your height, your weight, your clothes, your physique…ie your breast and your butt were prominently included in this assessment. As a woman, your body may have changed, but now 40 years later you are challenging the same women from high school and beyond, for what and for whom? Seriously, who finds the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, post 60 years of age, on an Internet Dating site; that BTW a site that uses the same algorithm as a 16-year-olds iPhone. What are the chances? I’m not making this up, but now the very same algorithm is making a determination as to who is the best choice for you as a partner. Really? What happened to an introduction, where someone you know and trust meets someone, who they believe you might be interested in saying hello to. Our eyes and ears also belong to people we know and trust. AI is not our eyes or our ears; it is an algorithm. It has no feeling, no emotion, no sense of nuance, no soul! Just as it is correcting my errors, in grammar and syntax, even if I want to write aint versus aren’t. So too is it attempting to make the same corrections in your choice of what you like, and why you feel the way you feel, about what you like. That’s the very thing “The Bad Girls” never did; they never gave someone the options of their choices. For good and sometimes sadly, for bad. I believe that is the sum of the differences between the two personalities. A good girl or the perception of a good girl or woman has a bad girl within her that wants to come out, and a bad girl or the perception of a bad girl or woman, has a good girl within her that wants to be understood. “Toot, toot, hey. Beep beep. Toot toot, hey. Beep beep. Bad girls, talkin bout the sad girls. Sad girls, talkin bout the bad bad girls.” Lyrics written by Donna Summers, Bruce Sudano, Joe Esposito and Eddie Hokenson 1979. This is how we want to portray the bad girls, as always sad. Closer to the truth might be a girl that, more often than not, made and accepted her choices. However, just as a guy can reconcile with the consequences of his choices but a woman cannot? We applaud guys, I, you, us, who do what they got to do and stand on business when it comes to the choices made. The coin has two sides. The choice, for the purpose of this written text, made by a woman as it relates to how to go about a relationship; should not be judged on a standard which no longer applies, to a Woman. Bam!
It should be noted as a fact that at no time have I, stated or suggested anything other than just meeting someone. This is not about what you do, or whom you do it with, or any private matter between two consenting adults. Defining or determining is“this” Enjoying Time Together or Dating is not a clear line nor is it a rigid caste system. Defining "this" It’s more about the confidence to openly say what "this" is and or what "this" is not. A spoken understanding leads to better communication; however, intimacy is not ruled out as we are adults. Because we can communicate, The Power of Choice is returned, without the burden of guilt. You can go back to being that young woman riding on the train, or the bus by herself; only armed with a self-confidence that spoke volumes before any words were ever exchanged. She was, back then, A Bad Mama Jama, and everyone gave her space. You didn’t have to look the part; you just needed to be confident. Relationships are about confidence, not trips abroad, or proof of overseas travels, or attempts at impressing AI as it has no soul! A machine is limited to programming, we are not machines. We can break free of programming, even from the most hardened of stereotypes.
This might seem confusing, but truth is, we available men, have an unnatural disadvantage at cheating at this age in life, and the answer why is pretty simple; diminishing numbers. Hint, we die earlier. We drank too much, we ate too much bad food and too often, we did not exercise enough, and we were too risky when it was unnecessary. It’s not complicated, there are fewer, and fewer of us left (healthy) after the age of sixty-two and over. That's not counting the percentage of men that are still married. Left out of that diminishing number, less we not forget, imprisonment, and sexual orientation. Armed with this complete understanding; one could infer that Internet Dating is like an advertisement written on a rock. No one is gonna see it, much less use it, until they need a rock. If you have been reading "60 is The New 40", then you have read “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number” and as a result, you would therefore know the longevity math favors women. Significantly, and it is not going to change anytime soon. The hope of meeting Mr. Right has less to do with you or what you look like, and more to do with confidence, and availability. One of which you have the Power to Control. If you choose to.
No man or woman is an Island, but knowing what “this” is sure beats being alone on one. Telling someone what “this” is; is truly the beginning of a great relationship. Think about it. Then decide if you can honestly define "this".
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